Anxiety Panic Attacks » My Diary http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com Stopping Panic Attacks & Agoraphobia Mon, 02 Nov 2009 09:30:51 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary: 10th March 2004 http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/10th-march-2004/ http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/10th-march-2004/#comments Wed, 10 Mar 2004 17:05:00 +0000 admin http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/10th-march-2004/ This last week hasn’t being the best. The landlady who I thought it was one of my best friends is starting to show her true colors, she is only interested in what she can get from me. Yesterday night, our flat was flooded with water from upstairs where she lives. (basically she lives in the big posh house upstairs and we are renting the downstairs flat from her). Well, she blocked the drains in her patio and the rain flooded down the other drains into our flat, so bad that in the middle of the night our dogs jumped into our bed. We thought it was funny that they were wet, until we realized the floor was a swimming pool of at least 10 centimeters high.

Well, the worst surprise was the morning later when my dear friend Marisol expected me to pay for the repairs of the flat and the drains in her patio. I was really upset, I told her where to go. The following night rain came again and we were flooded again. I talked to her son and he called the insurance, would you believe she had a house insurance and she forgot. That night we had a very bad argument and she told me to leave. I am today not feeling well at all. First because being two and a half month pregnant is not easy with an anxiety disorder like mine, second because I have caught a horrible cold, and third because I had a horrible argument with my very selfish friend and now I am homeless, desperately looking for a place to move to. I hope the baby is OK. I am suffering a lot.

]]> http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/10th-march-2004/feed/ 1 Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary: 21st February 2004 http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/21st-february-2004/ http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/21st-february-2004/#comments Sat, 21 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000 admin http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/21st-february-2004/ Today we went to see the gynecologist. I am pregnant and the baby is fine. But I had to stop taking the antidepressant pills, they are not safe to take during pregnancy. I do feel quite anxious, I am trying to relax but is not easy. The doctor say that I can take  Trankimazin for the anxiety crisis and panic attacks, but I haven’t taken any. I am scared of the feeling of quick relaxation that the pill gives me, is another one of my phobias, I want to be in control.

We have told my husbands parents and also our best friends.

Looking at the ultrasound of the baby is incredible how this tiny cell is developing so quickly and changing our lives.

]]> http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/21st-february-2004/feed/ 0 Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary: 2nd February 2004 http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/2nd-february-2004/ http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/2nd-february-2004/#comments Mon, 02 Feb 2004 15:53:00 +0000 admin http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/2nd-february-2004/ I am not feeling very well today, I feel very anxious. Nothing is really new, everything is the same but somehow I don’t feel so well.

A few minutes ago I realized that my period was due yesterday, I had a tiny bit of blood a couple of days ago but not period yet, I wonder if I am pregnant. Suddenly that is the only thing I can think of. I am going to convince my husband to take me out so I can buy a pregnancy test.

He didn’t want to go because he thought it was going to be negative like always, but if I was going to feel better he took me to the nearest chemist. I bought the test and come back home. Almost embarrassed that I thought I could be pregnant I went to the toilet and made the test. I waited with the test in my hand while it change color. Two pink lines appeared. My heart immediately went very fast. I needed to check if two lines were positive or negative. It was positive.

Oh My God! I was pregnant. Finally. I left the bathroom and went to show my husband. I didn’t say anything, I just show him the test. He was acting to normal. He didn’t believe it. I wanted to call everybody and tell them I was pregnant, but my husband say is not sensible to tell anybody until the first 12 weeks are up in case something bad happens. I must say that that created a huge amount of anxiety and fear of losing the baby.

I remember that I have being taking a lot of antidepressant pills so I called a doctor and made an appointment with a gynecologist to check if is safe to keep taking the medication while pregnant.

What a day! I am terribly happy and scared at the same time, seems like if it wasn’t true. I don’t feel anything different so I hope the test was right and I am in fact pregnant.

]]> http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/2nd-february-2004/feed/ 0 Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary: 17th January 2004 http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/17th-january-2004/ http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/17th-january-2004/#comments Sat, 17 Jan 2004 15:40:00 +0000 admin http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/17th-january-2004/ Yesterday ended up in almost humorous way. After we finished worked, my husband and I decided to start business and trying to get pregnant. Almost at the moment of truth the land lady opens the front door calling me all the way and almost got to the bedroom. We were mad, but can’t help but find it funny. We are going to try it again tonight, hopefully I will still be ovulating.

Tonight we are locking the front door, we don’t want any more interruptions.

I must admit that I am so excited about the idea of having a baby that is giving me a lot of strength to fight against anxiety and agoraphobia. It’s being now quite a while since I had the last panic attack, maybe the medication, maybe is because I am far from all the noise and screaming of my family.

I am taking a dose of 40mg of Seroxat daily. It is not making feel brilliant, but I am much better than I have being.

]]> http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/17th-january-2004/feed/ 0 Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary: 16th January 2004 http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/16th-january-2004/ http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/16th-january-2004/#comments Fri, 16 Jan 2004 15:33:00 +0000 admin http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/16th-january-2004/ I haven’t written anything in my diary for quite some time now. My life is being very busy. Finally we moved out of my house next to my parents. It was very stressful. We had a few incidents with my family that did not help me at all getting over the amount of anxiety I am under. The thing is I am very nervous about taking trankimazin because I don’t like the effect and I am not getting very relaxed at all.

I am although very proud to say that I have being in England visiting my husband’s family over the Christmas holidays. I thought I was going to have a panic attack that it would last me for two weeks, but the fact is that in the plane I started talking to my husband and thinking of all the lovely Christmas shopping I was going to do over there that time went very quickly and with the help of a trankimazin we got there with no even one panic attack. I must admit I was feeling insecure all the time in England, worrying that anytime panic attacks and anxiety were going to come, but it didn’t happen. In fact I relaxed a lot. In England I bought series nine and ten of Friends, my favorite series of all times. Nothing helps me relax and be positive more that a few laughs with any chapter of Friends. In one of the chapters, Monica was upset with Chandler because he had been playing with her ovulation tests. That gave me an idea. So, when we came back to Tenerife I bought some ovulation tests. It has being almost year now since we started trying for a baby and nothing so far.

This morning the ovulation test was positive so I am hopping that maybe we can make a baby tonight when we finish work.

]]> http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/16th-january-2004/feed/ 0 Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary: Wednesday, 14th of May, 2003 http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/wednesday-14th-of-may-2003/ http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/wednesday-14th-of-may-2003/#comments Wed, 14 May 2003 15:19:00 +0000 admin http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/wednesday-14th-of-may-2003/ Today I had my first class with the relaxation therapy and agoraphobia group. This group is conducted by the psychologist I have been seeing  lately.
The relaxation was great. I can’t believe I got so relaxed in the first session. So, because we have to practice it at home I decided to go to a book shop and get some tapes. In Internet there are some very good stuff, but because I live in Spain some very good companies don’t ship here. If you live in Canada or the US, any of these companies will help you, if you don’t, Amazon is the best option.

In my recommended stuff you will find a list of places to visit on Internet and some really good books and relaxation tapes. I assure you that it is really worth it.

Back to the day in my relaxation class, at first I was very nervous, my heart was going very fast. But when the psychologist started to talk I realized she knew what she was doing and it was brilliant. We started with respiration techniques to help the oxygen in our brain help us relax. After, we lied down and started to relax muscle by muscle. Beginning by  imaging your body very relaxed, then your feet very relaxed, then bit by bit until you finish in your hands, feeling them very heavy.
When the relaxation is finished you feel very relaxed. I couldn’t  believe it, I had a great day after that.
The agoraphobia group therapy started after. We all had to introduce ourselves. It was a little embarrassing saying in front of that people that I felt totally useless and could not go anywhere by myself. But I opened up anyway. After all, I was there to get better and be shy was not going to work. Other people opened up as well. They all told their stories, some of them even cried of frustration. The good thing was without knowing we created today a solid group of people who realized that we are not alone in these. There are other people suffering the effect of anxiety in our every day life as well.
About me, considering I have been so depressed that I haven’t even write my diary every day, I had a good day.
It is worrying me a little that my neck is starting to feel a little bit tense again, but I am going to practice relaxation before I go to bed.
By the way, I am fighting a lot against the feelings that get me upset every time I remember my grandmother or I remember the bad incidents with my family. The truth is I am trying very hard not to think about any of the two things right now.

]]> http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/wednesday-14th-of-may-2003/feed/ 0 Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary: Thusday, 8th of May, 2003 http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/thusday-8th-of-may-2003/ http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/thusday-8th-of-may-2003/#comments Thu, 08 May 2003 14:44:00 +0000 admin http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/thusday-8th-of-may-2003/ My beloved grandmother died last night. Today was the funeral. I am feeling very lost today. I don’t know what to do. I am afraid to stop in front of the TV or somewhere and realized how lonely I am. I am glad I have my husband and my dogs. Years ago before I even met Andy my grandmother was everything I had in this world apart from my friends, but she was my only family, like my mother. She protected me, she loved me and she was always there for me, even when she didn’t agree with my decisions, she always respected me and loved me. Oh grandma, I am going to miss you so much. I can’t believe you are really gone.

Please, when you get to the spiritual world, come to say hello.
I love you grandma and I will never forget you.

That’s me very suntan and my beloved grandmother.

]]> http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/thusday-8th-of-may-2003/feed/ 0 Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary: Saturday, 3rd of May, 2003 http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/saturday-3rd-of-may-2003/ http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/saturday-3rd-of-may-2003/#comments Sat, 03 May 2003 14:35:00 +0000 admin http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/saturday-3rd-of-may-2003/ Tonight is the fireworks party in Realejos. My sisters are all going to watch it together with my mother, probably, at Ana’s house (2nd older sister).
Of course, I wasn’t invite it. We had an argument no long ago about the dogs and we haven’t talk to each other since then.
I know it should not bother me, but it really does.
I feel very sad that I don’t get to share anything with my relatives. Well, I will try to let it go. I will try hard not to cry or to feel sad anymore. I have good friends that love me – I hope. And my husband and doggies, they definitely do love me.
Liverpool lost 2 – 1 against Manchester City today at football. So Andy, my husband, decided to have a nice meal to cheers us up. A lovely pork roast with veggies; avocado and prawns cocktail for starter and a lovely English trifle for pudding.
I’ve been reading my Psychology magazine today, looking for help and I found a peculiar article about anxiety. According to the psychologist Pilar Varela some people, particularly women, have a predisposition to suffer anxiety and panic attacks. Specially if before the age of six they did not have enough attention of lived in a home with an aggressive environment. That it will make the person very insecure and having a very low self-confidence. But also. she thinks that anxiety can be cured with the right treatment in all the cases. Every case is different, but it always have a cure and a right treatment. I am going to see my doctor next Thursday and I am going to talk to him about my problems with anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia and my treatment to see if it can be studied because I don’t think I am getting better with those pills.
I just had a big talk to my mom, more than a talk it was a long jelling discussion full of reproaches from my side. I have cried a lot but I feel a little better. I told her how my psychologist thinks that she and the rest of my family are responsible for the agoraphobia I am suffering. I also told her that I’ve been taking anti-depressive pills on and off for the last two years and how all my childhood affected me so much that now I can’t do anything alone. I can’t go shopping, I can’t drive, I can’t be left alone at home and how I cry everyday my misery.

The truth is that I hurt her, now my husband wants to move out of here and me too (We live in a house next to my parents and my three sisters).
The problem is that I am scared to lose them forever. I know that all that they have give me lately is pain and that they had that party today and they didn’t even invited us, after so many time they ate here since we came back from Madrid a year ago.
I don’t know, selling this house would be saying goodbye to my family forever. They would never talk to me again.

The thing is that I want my mother to love me and to apologize for all the pain she’s given me. But is not likely to happen. I want my dad to love and hug me for the first time (I’m 28 years old you know). I want my sisters to respect me so maybe we could be friends, but instead of that they feel threaten by me, like if I did not appreciate them.
The truth is that I love them but I don’t know if I can forgive them now. I don’t know if this is going to work. What am I going to do?
If I sell the house like Andy wants me to do that would be the end forever or any idea of reconciliation.
I still believe that one day in Christmas we could all be around the table singing Christmas carols with love for each others. Oh my God, if you are reading these I’m sure is making you very bored. But this is the truth about me. I could be totally happy is it wasn’t because all the pain I am holding inside with my parents and my sisters. They never understood me or respected me.
At the end I am what I am, still a child asking: why God why?. Why can’t they just love me?
Just a little child looking for love and protection.

]]> http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/saturday-3rd-of-may-2003/feed/ 0 Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary: Friday, 2th of May 2003 http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/friday-2th-of-may-2003/ http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/friday-2th-of-may-2003/#comments Fri, 02 May 2003 12:29:00 +0000 admin http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/friday-2th-of-may-2003/ Today is being weird. I have been alone in the house for almost an hour for the first time in months.
My husband wanted to go to the swimming pool, so he did. I was very nervous the first few minutes, but after a while I realized that I was going to be OK. Anyway, I chicken out and called a friend, she came about half an hour later. I did not want to call my husband. I don’t want him to think I’m useless. I really don’t want him to think that he has to be 24 hours, 7 days a week worrying about me. It must be very tiring and frustrating for him living with me and this very restrictive agoraphobia that I am suffering.

The thing is that when I find out that being with me was so difficult and hard, my heart sank I felt the biggest pain I remember in my life. Imagine that the person you love the most in the world and unluckily you depend the most because of the bloody agoraphobia tell you that you are confining him in a prison. It hurts so much!…
Anyway, I am sure it’s very difficult, but still when I remember that I want to cry my eyes out and die of dehydration to avoid people the pain to have to look after me.
Coming back to today, everything went Ok and I didn’t have a panic attack. That was this morning, and now, 20:00 pm. I feel a little anxious. I don’t understand anxiety very much. I am trying to read and learn, but still what causes me anxiety is a mystery to me.
I am waiting for my period to come, so maybe I am suffering PMS (Premenstrual Stress). Well, the thing is that moments like now I wonder if those pills are working and if I would ever get well, but you know there are just bad thoughts and I remember reading in the magazine that bad thoughts causes anxiety and panic attacks. So lets be positive and think about nice things for the future.
How nice would be if I am pregnant?
In the last week I’ve been thinking a lot about it. This is the third month we try for a baby and who knows? It might be the one.
Sometimes in the morning in bed I think about how great must to be the moment of giving birth. When finally the doctor takes out of your body that little thing and put it on top of you and you can hold him/her  and finally see his/her face, finally. Your own child! . You made it happen. My doctor thinks that maybe what I need is to get pregnant to get over my fears and agoraphobia.
The night is coming, it is beautiful out here. I have to admit that I feel lucky having such an amazing view. I can see the sea from my window.
Now, sitting in our patio, I smell the ash of my husbands cigar. I feel the cold breeze and I can see the fireworks in town.

Tomorrow will be a big party day in town, fireworks competition between two very large streets of Los Realejos, it’s worth watching.
It’s weird but my feelings keep coming on and off.
I feel bad and in seconds I feel good. I get nervous and then better. I get extremely sad and seconds after I feel almost Ok. Mood-swings I suppose. But the downs are pretty strong, it makes me wonder for seconds if this life is worth living. But then I think about my dogs and about my gorgeous husband. I love them so much. They are everything I’ve got in live.

]]> http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/friday-2th-of-may-2003/feed/ 0 Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary: Thursday, 1th of May 2003 http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/thursday-1th-of-may-2003/ http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/thursday-1th-of-may-2003/#comments Thu, 01 May 2003 12:16:00 +0000 admin http://www.anxiety-panic-attacks.com/en/agoraphobia/my-diary/thursday-1th-of-may-2003/ Today I feel extremely sad. Why? Who knows? Last night I remembered my friend Kosty who stopped talking to me a while ago when I told her that I couldn’t be friends with her if she had an abortion ( I have to explain that she was in love with this guy. Migue, who loved her back; and she wanted to get pregnant, but when she did got pregnant, her mom suggested to her to abort so she thought that was the way out of the situation). And I got all those anger feelings, negative energy and was so tense and angry that I couldn’t fall to sleep.
After a while I must have done because I woke up at 7 o’clock in the morning all tense up. And today I’ve been trying very hard to relax without succeed, I even took a Lexatin 1.5 mg an hour and a half ago.
I have to say that my husband is being great help today. Took me out of the house, down to Puerto de la Cruz and now I’m sitting in front of the sea. Oh, I love the sea. It’s good to know that I am not getting mad, it could be just premenstrual tension combined with my bloody agoraphobia.
Ah, nothing better that the sound of the waves, the fresh breeze of the sea, and the sun going down. Nature has got so much to offer, it is a shame that sometimes we don’t appreciate it.
Well, we are back home and I was a little afraid the fear might come back, but I keep telling myself that this is my home now and nothing bad is going to happen, specially since I am surrounded  by my lovely dogs and my husband.
I realized something today, I have to accept that my parents and my sisters are not how I would like them to be, they are not open-minded and understand very little about me. But they don’t do it on propose, they just don’t understand me, we are just different. I like showing my love and they don’t know how to do it. Anyway, I will try to accept them as they are.

Nice tips I found in a magazine for me and for you too:
To understand and know yourself a little better write down the answer of these questions:

  • How are you suppose to be?
    (It will show the things you would like to improve about yourself)
  • How is your life suppose to be?
    (It will tell you what you need to change or things you really need to do in your life)
  • How would you like to be treated by others?
    (It will tell you a lot about the deficiencies in your relationships will others)
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