As you readers can imagine, I am not feeling very cheerful or happy right now. Most of the time I can pretend everything is OK. That this new very small world I have created to live in is enough, but the fact is that I have to take pills every morning and to sleep I have to take tranquilizers every night, which I am probably addicted to by now. But, as the doctor says, addiction is only a side effect….

Just waking up one morning and feeling that the fear and the difficulties to breathe are gone is every agoraphobic dream. How to get there? I don’t know if is possible if you don’t keep going a strong treatment and psychological help. Even though, I’ve never met anybody else with the same problem as mine.

My husband wants to go diving, sailing, fishing with other people. But he doesn’t do it because he’ll be to afraid that I will panic and won’t be able to hold onto him to save me. I want him to be happy, but he is not. And he is not happy because of me. That makes me feel so small. I don`t know what to do. The panic attacks are very scary. I am not even afraid of death anymore because I think that I have suffer so much that when it comes it will be normal and maybe even a relieve of the pain. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to die just yet. I have to beautiful children that give me strength to fight every day. But sometimes is so hard to stay focus.

Something so small like taking my child to school, if I could do that I would celebrate it more than a lottery winning. Simple every day life that normal people don’t even consider as a blessing, an agoraphobic like me is unable to do. Going out on my own in the car, even if it was just around the block it would probably give a huge panic attack, and is so scary that just thinking about it makes me all tense. I worry that I would faint and die in the streets on my own with nobody to help me. Those are the things I live with everyday.

Some people worry about the money, about the future of their children and those kind of things. An agoraphobic like me worries about all of that and as well as worrying on whether you are going to be left somewhere on your own, whether you are going to breathe properly,  or what horrible things are going to happen and because you are so useless you are not going to be able to get out of it.

Of course it must be very hard living with someone like me. I try to stay happy and smile, but most of the time is an act, I am keeping tears away from my family so my kids can have a happy childhood and my husband can stop worrying.

Another thing which is very hard for me is having to be almost praying for help everyday to do things that in theory we should be more than capable of doing. For example, going down the road to the patchwork classes one I slipped while pushing my baby’s pram. I was so scared that I would let go and the pram would go into the road, that my husband had to drive me 300 meters away every Tuesday and Thursday morning.  That was very very painful for me. I feel like an idiot, he doesn’t say anything but I know it must be very annoying. If I want to go anywhere or do anything I have to wait for somebody to go with me, and not anybody it will have to be some friend that I trust and I can’t go to far from home either. How restrictive is my own mind. I have created a prison for me and I have trapped my husband in it.

It’s a huge fear of mine the fact that nobody can live like this forever and sooner or later my husband will probably leave me and he might take the children with him because I could not take them to school or to the doctors, or do the shopping, or just work to support us if necessary.

Being in the agoraphobic world is very painful not just for us, but also for those who live with us. There are many times when my husband hasn’t done things he likes because I could not go or because I needed him to be near me. At the end, the result is awful.  He can not look at me in the eye because he is upset that he is missing so many things in life, I resent him for not being happy and loving. He is all day near me, but never with me. He is only around because he feels he has too. He is not enjoying his life at all and that’s my fault.

As you can see from my experience living with agoraphobia or with an agoraphobic is not easy, in fact is very very difficult. Patience and lots and lots of love is much needed.

According to wikipedia: Agoraphobia is a condition where the sufferer becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where he or she perceives that they have little control. Triggers for this anxiety may include wide open spaces, crowds, or traveling (even short distances). This anxiety is often compounded by a fear of social embarrassment, as the agoraphobic fears the onset of a panic attack and appearing distraught in public.

I suffer agoraphobia. Everything started 8 years ago one morning when I thought I was dying and in fact I was having a panic attack. Nothings has ever being the same. I am not the same since that awful morning. It was really scary and slowly I went into some kind of anxiety disorder. I didn’t have agoraphobia straight away, it all started 2 years later when I was living next to my parents and we started to have serious problems with them. The panic attacks came back strong, and slowly I got more and more scared of those panic attacks and I started avoiding all the situations of stress, going out on my own, driving… It’s all a big nightmare. All of a sudden you lose your life, you lose your ability to do anything normal on your own and I found myself cleaning onto my husband 24 hours a day. He used to say to me that I was confining him in prison, because I didn’t want to go out and couldn’t be left on my own either. We changed houses and things got better and better. I have two children now and go out on my own around town. 

It’s not easy winning over the fears of agoraphobia, but is not impossible. Don’t just sit back waiting to be gone by itself, put up a good fight and you will win.

“My name is Maria, I am Spanish and agoraphobic. I am 28 years old and everything started two years ago after I lost my job in Madrid. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. It has being going on and off since then. I decided to create a site where we can talk and share information, advice and help.
I am researching information about anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, depression, etc…. I will put that information on this site every week, so keep coming back for updates.

One day in your life, any day, something happened that changed everything and it seems forever. Looks like you lost control of your life and there is nothing you can do except to adapt your life to your limitations.
Internet is a great place to find answers and solutions. Don’t thinks it is going to be bad always. Panic attacks and anxiety are fixable. Can it disappear forever, how? We are going to work on it with you.

I been having panic attacks for two years. It has not always been bad. I recovered the first time but stress and family problems made me go down again. My psychologist said that I am an agoraphobic. I fear the fear and my family (this is my case), but it will get better. "You learned to fear, and as you learned it, you will forget it" – she said. It is not the end of the world.
There are some bad days and some better days, but the important thing to know is that there is a way out, it is not easy, buy it exists. Concentrate on that every time you think that it will be better not to be here…. There is so much beauty in the world!”

I must admit I am still fighting against the fears of agoraphobia, but I have learn many things and won many battles. I don’t have panic attacks now, although I am still a bit afraid of going out on my own. I do go to some places near home all by myself, but two years ago I was feeling so well that I even started driving all by myself around town. I was going to the gym, going out with some friends and sleeping pretty well. I felt a huge difference in the amount of anxiety I suffer when I joined the gym. Somehow, exercising daily  was good enough for me to relief a lot of anxiety and stress.

Something else just as important is sleeping correctly. I started taking a small dose of alprazolam or trankimazin every night to help me relax and help me sleep and the result is being great. When you are so tired from many sleepless nights, everything seams a steep heel to climb every day. I also felt that I was a lot more susceptible to have panic attacks and anxiety related crises when I was tired.

To be honest, ever since I moved out of my house next to my parents I haven’t have many problems or arguments, and that sure is helped a lot. So I’ve learned about myself quite a lot, for example that I need to sleep properly, to have fun with my friends and to stay away from the people that hurt me.

Well, the worst surprise was the morning later when my dear friend Marisol expected me to pay for the repairs of the flat and the drains in her patio. I was really upset, I told her where to go. The following night rain came again and we were flooded again. I talked to her son and he called the insurance, would you believe she had a house insurance and she forgot. That night we had a very bad argument and she told me to leave. I am today not feeling well at all. First because being two and a half month pregnant is not easy with an anxiety disorder like mine, second because I have caught a horrible cold, and third because I had a horrible argument with my very selfish friend and now I am homeless, desperately looking for a place to move to. I hope the baby is OK. I am suffering a lot.

We have told my husbands parents and also our best friends.

Looking at the ultrasound of the baby is incredible how this tiny cell is developing so quickly and changing our lives.

A few minutes ago I realized that my period was due yesterday, I had a tiny bit of blood a couple of days ago but not period yet, I wonder if I am pregnant. Suddenly that is the only thing I can think of. I am going to convince my husband to take me out so I can buy a pregnancy test.

He didn’t want to go because he thought it was going to be negative like always, but if I was going to feel better he took me to the nearest chemist. I bought the test and come back home. Almost embarrassed that I thought I could be pregnant I went to the toilet and made the test. I waited with the test in my hand while it change color. Two pink lines appeared. My heart immediately went very fast. I needed to check if two lines were positive or negative. It was positive.

Oh My God! I was pregnant. Finally. I left the bathroom and went to show my husband. I didn’t say anything, I just show him the test. He was acting to normal. He didn’t believe it. I wanted to call everybody and tell them I was pregnant, but my husband say is not sensible to tell anybody until the first 12 weeks are up in case something bad happens. I must say that that created a huge amount of anxiety and fear of losing the baby.

I remember that I have being taking a lot of antidepressant pills so I called a doctor and made an appointment with a gynecologist to check if is safe to keep taking the medication while pregnant.

What a day! I am terribly happy and scared at the same time, seems like if it wasn’t true. I don’t feel anything different so I hope the test was right and I am in fact pregnant.

Tonight we are locking the front door, we don’t want any more interruptions.

I must admit that I am so excited about the idea of having a baby that is giving me a lot of strength to fight against anxiety and agoraphobia. It’s being now quite a while since I had the last panic attack, maybe the medication, maybe is because I am far from all the noise and screaming of my family.

I am taking a dose of 40mg of Seroxat daily. It is not making feel brilliant, but I am much better than I have being.

I am although very proud to say that I have being in England visiting my husband’s family over the Christmas holidays. I thought I was going to have a panic attack that it would last me for two weeks, but the fact is that in the plane I started talking to my husband and thinking of all the lovely Christmas shopping I was going to do over there that time went very quickly and with the help of a trankimazin we got there with no even one panic attack. I must admit I was feeling insecure all the time in England, worrying that anytime panic attacks and anxiety were going to come, but it didn’t happen. In fact I relaxed a lot. In England I bought series nine and ten of Friends, my favorite series of all times. Nothing helps me relax and be positive more that a few laughs with any chapter of Friends. In one of the chapters, Monica was upset with Chandler because he had been playing with her ovulation tests. That gave me an idea. So, when we came back to Tenerife I bought some ovulation tests. It has being almost year now since we started trying for a baby and nothing so far.

This morning the ovulation test was positive so I am hopping that maybe we can make a baby tonight when we finish work.

In my recommended stuff you will find a list of places to visit on Internet and some really good books and relaxation tapes. I assure you that it is really worth it.

Back to the day in my relaxation class, at first I was very nervous, my heart was going very fast. But when the psychologist started to talk I realized she knew what she was doing and it was brilliant. We started with respiration techniques to help the oxygen in our brain help us relax. After, we lied down and started to relax muscle by muscle. Beginning by  imaging your body very relaxed, then your feet very relaxed, then bit by bit until you finish in your hands, feeling them very heavy.
When the relaxation is finished you feel very relaxed. I couldn’t  believe it, I had a great day after that.
The agoraphobia group therapy started after. We all had to introduce ourselves. It was a little embarrassing saying in front of that people that I felt totally useless and could not go anywhere by myself. But I opened up anyway. After all, I was there to get better and be shy was not going to work. Other people opened up as well. They all told their stories, some of them even cried of frustration. The good thing was without knowing we created today a solid group of people who realized that we are not alone in these. There are other people suffering the effect of anxiety in our every day life as well.
About me, considering I have been so depressed that I haven’t even write my diary every day, I had a good day.
It is worrying me a little that my neck is starting to feel a little bit tense again, but I am going to practice relaxation before I go to bed.
By the way, I am fighting a lot against the feelings that get me upset every time I remember my grandmother or I remember the bad incidents with my family. The truth is I am trying very hard not to think about any of the two things right now.