Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary: Saturday, 3rd of May, 2003

Tonight is the fireworks party in Realejos. My sisters are all going to watch it together with my mother, probably, at Ana’s house (2nd older sister).
Of course, I wasn’t invite it. We had an argument no long ago about the dogs and we haven’t talk to each other since then.
I know it should not bother me, but it really does.
I feel very sad that I don’t get to share anything with my relatives. Well, I will try to let it go. I will try hard not to cry or to feel sad anymore. I have good friends that love me – I hope. And my husband and doggies, they definitely do love me.
Liverpool lost 2 – 1 against Manchester City today at football. So Andy, my husband, decided to have a nice meal to cheers us up. A lovely pork roast with veggies; avocado and prawns cocktail for starter and a lovely English trifle for pudding.
I’ve been reading my Psychology magazine today, looking for help and I found a peculiar article about anxiety. According to the psychologist Pilar Varela some people, particularly women, have a predisposition to suffer anxiety and panic attacks. Specially if before the age of six they did not have enough attention of lived in a home with an aggressive environment. That it will make the person very insecure and having a very low self-confidence. But also. she thinks that anxiety can be cured with the right treatment in all the cases. Every case is different, but it always have a cure and a right treatment. I am going to see my doctor next Thursday and I am going to talk to him about my problems with anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia and my treatment to see if it can be studied because I don’t think I am getting better with those pills.
I just had a big talk to my mom, more than a talk it was a long jelling discussion full of reproaches from my side. I have cried a lot but I feel a little better. I told her how my psychologist thinks that she and the rest of my family are responsible for the agoraphobia I am suffering. I also told her that I’ve been taking anti-depressive pills on and off for the last two years and how all my childhood affected me so much that now I can’t do anything alone. I can’t go shopping, I can’t drive, I can’t be left alone at home and how I cry everyday my misery.

The truth is that I hurt her, now my husband wants to move out of here and me too (We live in a house next to my parents and my three sisters).
The problem is that I am scared to lose them forever. I know that all that they have give me lately is pain and that they had that party today and they didn’t even invited us, after so many time they ate here since we came back from Madrid a year ago.
I don’t know, selling this house would be saying goodbye to my family forever. They would never talk to me again.

The thing is that I want my mother to love me and to apologize for all the pain she’s given me. But is not likely to happen. I want my dad to love and hug me for the first time (I’m 28 years old you know). I want my sisters to respect me so maybe we could be friends, but instead of that they feel threaten by me, like if I did not appreciate them.
The truth is that I love them but I don’t know if I can forgive them now. I don’t know if this is going to work. What am I going to do?
If I sell the house like Andy wants me to do that would be the end forever or any idea of reconciliation.
I still believe that one day in Christmas we could all be around the table singing Christmas carols with love for each others. Oh my God, if you are reading these I’m sure is making you very bored. But this is the truth about me. I could be totally happy is it wasn’t because all the pain I am holding inside with my parents and my sisters. They never understood me or respected me.
At the end I am what I am, still a child asking: why God why?. Why can’t they just love me?
Just a little child looking for love and protection.

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