Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary: Friday, 2th of May 2003

Today is being weird. I have been alone in the house for almost an hour for the first time in months.
My husband wanted to go to the swimming pool, so he did. I was very nervous the first few minutes, but after a while I realized that I was going to be OK. Anyway, I chicken out and called a friend, she came about half an hour later. I did not want to call my husband. I don’t want him to think I’m useless. I really don’t want him to think that he has to be 24 hours, 7 days a week worrying about me. It must be very tiring and frustrating for him living with me and this very restrictive agoraphobia that I am suffering.

The thing is that when I find out that being with me was so difficult and hard, my heart sank I felt the biggest pain I remember in my life. Imagine that the person you love the most in the world and unluckily you depend the most because of the bloody agoraphobia tell you that you are confining him in a prison. It hurts so much!…
Anyway, I am sure it’s very difficult, but still when I remember that I want to cry my eyes out and die of dehydration to avoid people the pain to have to look after me.
Coming back to today, everything went Ok and I didn’t have a panic attack. That was this morning, and now, 20:00 pm. I feel a little anxious. I don’t understand anxiety very much. I am trying to read and learn, but still what causes me anxiety is a mystery to me.
I am waiting for my period to come, so maybe I am suffering PMS (Premenstrual Stress). Well, the thing is that moments like now I wonder if those pills are working and if I would ever get well, but you know there are just bad thoughts and I remember reading in the magazine that bad thoughts causes anxiety and panic attacks. So lets be positive and think about nice things for the future.
How nice would be if I am pregnant?
In the last week I’ve been thinking a lot about it. This is the third month we try for a baby and who knows? It might be the one.
Sometimes in the morning in bed I think about how great must to be the moment of giving birth. When finally the doctor takes out of your body that little thing and put it on top of you and you can hold him/her  and finally see his/her face, finally. Your own child! . You made it happen. My doctor thinks that maybe what I need is to get pregnant to get over my fears and agoraphobia.
The night is coming, it is beautiful out here. I have to admit that I feel lucky having such an amazing view. I can see the sea from my window.
Now, sitting in our patio, I smell the ash of my husbands cigar. I feel the cold breeze and I can see the fireworks in town.

Tomorrow will be a big party day in town, fireworks competition between two very large streets of Los Realejos, it’s worth watching.
It’s weird but my feelings keep coming on and off.
I feel bad and in seconds I feel good. I get nervous and then better. I get extremely sad and seconds after I feel almost Ok. Mood-swings I suppose. But the downs are pretty strong, it makes me wonder for seconds if this life is worth living. But then I think about my dogs and about my gorgeous husband. I love them so much. They are everything I’ve got in live.

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