The diary of an agoraphobic woman

Wednesday, 30th of April 2003

I am in the motorway in the way to Santa Cruz de Tenerife with my husband. He is driving. I could not drive right now, right here, and I feel like a soldier going to war.
I body is getting all tense up, the far we go from home, the most scared I am. I know is silliness and probably nothing will happen. I will very happy when we get there, shopping. But now, all those lories around us, where is the way out? I am save inside the car - No problem.

I am feeling a little better, writing these is helping, I am concentrating in what I want to say and what it will help me and other people like me.
It is so absurd that one or two months ago I could come this way over here with no problems and now, look at me, and why? Just because the last timeI had a panic attack in the way to the shopping center in Santa Cruz. I had a walk with my husband and felt OK after a while, but I can't forget the memory and I was afraid that if I came back these road it would happen again.
The thing is that we are almost there and I controlled it this time, it will never happen again here. Today I am not gonna be afraid, I am not gonna have a panic attack.

I just discoveres another of my fears: When I am in a friends reunion and they are all over the place drinking and talking, you know. I am fine then, but when we all sit around the table is when the problem start. The first few minutes I feel totally claustrophobic, like if somebody was locking my way out. The thing is that when I lived with my parents (long time ago), siting all around the table was a big risk. The risk was that in any minute the discussion will start, jelling, insulting and sometimes end it up in slaps. My sisters and I normally try to leave the table quickly before the situation got to dangerous. I was very afraid of the family reunions, always a big disaster, people screeming, other crying. Anyway...

 

Thursday, 1th of May 2003

Today I feel extremely sad. Why? Who knows?
Last night I remembered my friend Kosty who stoped talking to me a while ago when I told her that I could't be friends with her if she had an abortion ( I have to explain that she was in love with this guy. Migue, who loved her back; and she wanted to get pregnant, but when she did got pregnant, her mom sugested to her to abort so she thougnt that was the way out of the situation). And I got all those anger feelings, negative energy and was so tense and ungry that I could'nt fall to sleep.
After a while I must have done because I woke up at 7 o'clock in the morning all tense up. And today I've been trying very hard to relax without succeed, I even took a Lexatin 1.5 mg an hour and a half ago.
I have to say that my husband is being great help today. Took me out of the house, down to Puerto de la Cruz and now I'm sitting in front of the sea. Oh, I love the sea. It's good to know that I am not getting mad, it could be just premenstrual tension combined with my bloody agoraphobia.
Ah, nothing better that the sound of the waves, the fresh breeze of the sea, and the sun going down. Nature has got so much to offer, it is a shame that sometimes we don't appreciate it.
Well, we are back home and I was a little afraid the fear might come back, but I keep telling myself that this is my home now and nothing bad is going to happen, specially more with my lovely dogs and my husband.
I realised something today, I have to accept that my parents and my sisters are not how I would like them to be, they are nor openminded and understand very little about me. But they don't do it on propose, they just don't understand me, we are just different. I like showing my love and they don't know how to do it. Anyway, I will try to accep them as they are.

Nice tips I found in a magazine for me and for you too:
To understand and know yourself a little better write down the answer of these questions:

• How are you suppose to be?
  (It will show the things you would like to improve about yourself)
• How is your life suppose to be?
  (It will tell you what you need to change or things you really need to do in your life)
• How would you like to be treated by others?
  (It will tell you a lot about the deficiences in your relationships will others)
  

Friday, 2th of May 2003
Today is being wierd. I have been alone in the house for almost an hour for the first time in months.
My husband wanted to go to the swimmingpool, so he did. I was very nervous the first few minutes, but after a while I realised that I was gonna be OK. Anyway, I chicken out and called a friend, she came about half an hour later. I did not want to call my husband. I don't want him to think I'm useless. I really don't want him to think that he has to be 24 hours, 7 days a week worring about me, it's very tiring for him anf frustating. The thing is that when I find out that being with me was so difficult and hard, my heart sinked. I felt the biggest pain I remember in my life. Imagine that the person you love the most in the world and unluckly you depend the most because of the bloody agoraphobia tell you that you are confining him in a prision. It hearted so much!...
Anyway, I am sure it's very difficult, but still when I remember that I want to cry my eyes out and die of dehidation to avoid people the pain to have to look after me.
Coming back to today, everything went Ok and I did'nt have a panic attack. That was this morning, and now, 20:00 pm. I feel a little anxious. I don't understand anxiety very much. I am trying to read and learn, but still what causes me anxiety is a mistery to me.
I am waiting for my period to come, so maybe I am suffering PMS (Prementrual Sindrome). Well, the thing is that moments like now I wonder if those pils are working and if I would ever get well, but you know there are just bad thoughts and I remember reading in the magazine that bad thoughts causes anxiety and panic attacks. So lets be possitive and think about nice things for the future.
How nice would be if I am pregnant?
In the last week I've been thinking a lot about it. This is the third month we try for a baby and who knows? It might be the one.
Sometimes in the morning in bed I think about how great must to be the moment of giving birth. When finally the doctor takes out of your body that little thing and put it on top of you and you can hold him/her and hold him/her and finally see his/her face, finally. And it's yours. You made it happen. It's being inside of you for the last 9 months.

My doctor thinks that maybe what I need is to get pregnant to get over my fears and my agoraphobia.
The night is comming, it is beautiful out here. I have to admit that I feel lucky having such an amazing view. I can see the sea from my window.
Now, sitting in our patio, I smell the ash of my husbands cigar. I feel the cols breeze and in town, fireworks now and then. Tomorrow will be a big party day in town, fireworks competition between two very large streets of Los realejos, it's worth seing it.
It's wierd but my feelings keep coming on and off.
I feel bad and in seconds I feel good. I get nervous and then better. I get extremely sad and seconds after I feel almost Ok. Mood-swings I supposse. But the downs are pretty strong, it makes me wonder for seconds if this life is woth living. But then I think about my dogs and about my gorgeous husband. I love them so much. They are everything I've got in live.



Saturday, 3rd of May, 2003

Tonight is the fireworks party in Realejos. My sisters are all gonna watch it together with my mother, probably, at Ana's house (2nd older sister).
Of course, I wasn't invite it. We had an argument no long ago about the dogs and we haven't talk to each other since then.
I know it should not bother me, but it really does.
I feel very sad that I don't get to share anything with the b@stards of my relatives. Well, I will try to let it go. I will try hard not to cry or to feel sad anymore. I have good friends that love me - I hope. And my husband and doggies, they deffinately do love me.
Liverpool lost 2 - 1 against Manchester City today. So Andy, my husband decided to have a nice meal to cheers us up. A lovely pork roast with veggies; avovado and prawns cocktail for starter and a lovely english trifle for pudding.
I've been reading my Psycology magazine today, looking for help and I found a peculiar article about anxiety. According to the psicologist Pilar Varela some people, particulary women, have presisposition to suffer anxiety and panic attacks. Specially if before the age of six they did not have enough atention of lived in a home of agresivity. That it will make the person very insecure and having a very low self-confidence. But also. she thinks that anxiety can be coure with the right treatment in all the cases. Every case is different, but it always have a cure and a right treatment. I am going to see my doctor next thursday and I am gonna ha a talk with him about me , my problems with anxiethy, panic attacks, agoraphobia and my treatment to see if it can be studied because I don't think I am getting better with those pills.

I just had a big talk to my mom, more than a talk it was a long jelling discussion full of reproches from my side. I have cried a lot but I feel a little better. I told her how my psycologist thinks her and the rest of them are responsible from my agoraphobia. I also told her that I've been taking antidepressive pils on and off for the last two years and how all my childhood afected me so much that now I can't do anything alone. I can't go shopping, I can't drive, I can't be left alone at home and how I cry everyday my misery. The truth is that I hurted her, now my husband want to move out of here and me too (We live in a house next to my parents and my three sisters).
The problem is that I am scared to lose them forever. I know that all that they give is pain and that they had that party today and they didn't even invited us, after so many time thay have been eating here since we came back frm Madrid a year ago.
I don't know, selling this house would be saying goodbaye to day forever. They would not talk to me anymore, the thing is that I want my mother to love me and to apologise for all the pain she's given me. Like that is gonna happen. I want my dad to love and hugh me for the first time (i'm 28 years old you know). I want my sisters to respect me so maybe we could be friends, but instead of that they feel threaten by me, like if I did not appreciate them. The truth is that I love them but I don't know if I can forgive so much. I don't know if this is gonna work. What amm I gonna do? If I sell the house like Andy wants that will be final, I I don't want it to be final. I still believe in Christmas we could all be around the table singing Christmas carols with love for each others. Oh my God, if you are reading these I'm sure is making you very bored. But this is the truth about me. I could be totally happy is it wasn't because all the pain I am holding inside with my parents and my sisters. They never undestood me or respected me.
At the end I am what I am, still a child asking: why God why?. Why can't they just love me?
Just a little child looking for love and protection.

Thusday, 8th of May, 2003
My beloved grandmother died last night. Today was the funeral. I am very lost. I don't know what to do. I am afraid to stop in front of the TV or somewhere and realised how lonely I am. I am glad I have my husband and my dogs. Years ago before I even met Andy my grandmother was everything I had in this world apart from my friens, but she was my only family, like my mother. She protected me, she loved me and she was always there for me, even when she did'nt agree with my decitions, she always respected me and loved me. Oh granma, I am gonna miss you so much. I can't believe you are gone.

Please, when you get to the spiritual world, come to say hello.
I love you granma and I will never forget you.

That's me very suntan and my beloved grandmother.

 

Today I had my first class with the relaxation therapy and agoraphobia group.
The ralaxation was great. I can't believe I got so much relaxed in the first sesion. So, because we have to practice it at home I decided to go to a book shop and get some tapes. In Internet there are some very good stuff, but because I live in Spain some very good companies don't ship here. If you live in Canada or the US, any of these companies will help you, if you don't Amazon is the only good option. In my recommende stuff you will find a lis of places to visit on Internet and some really good books and relaxation tapes. I am telling you that it is really worth it.
At first I was very nervous, my heart was going very fast. But when the psicologist started to talk I realized she knew what she was doing and it was brilliant. We started with respiration and after we lied down and started to relax muscle by muscle. Started imaging your body very relaxed, then your feet very relaxed, then bit by bit until you finish in your hands, feeling them very heavy.
When the realxation finished you feel very relaxed. I can believe it, I had a great day after that.
The agoraphobia group theraphy started after. We all had to introduce ourselves. It was a little embarassing saying in front of that people that I felt totally useless and could not go anywhere by myself. But I opened up anyway, after all I was there to get better and be shy wasn not gonna work. People opened up aswell. They all told their stories, some of them even cried of frustation. The good thing was without knowing we created today a solid group of people who realised that we are not alone in these. There are other people suffering it aswell.
About me, considering I have been so depressed that I haven't even write my diary every day, I had a good day.
It is worring me a little that my kneck is starting to feel a little bit tense again, but I am going to practise relaxation before I go to bed.
By the way, I am fighting a lot to not get upset everytime I remember my grandmother or I remember the bad incidents with my family. The truth is I am trying very hard not to think about any of the two things.

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