Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary: Wednesday, 30th of April 2003
The diary of an agoraphobic woman
Today I start my diary.
I am in the motorway in the way to Santa Cruz de Tenerife with my husband. He is driving. I could not drive right now, right here, and I feel like a soldier going to war.
My body is getting all tense up, the far we go from home, the most scared I am. I know is silliness and probably nothing will happen and that I will probably be very happy when we get there, shopping and walking around. But now, all those lories going past us at the motorway are making me wonder on and on again where is the way out?. I know I am save inside the car – No problem.
I am feeling a little better while I am writing these, diversion is helping. I am concentrating in what I want to say and what it will help me and other people like me.
It is so absurd that one or two months ago I could come this way over here with no problems and now, look at me, and why? Just because the last time I had a panic attack in the way to the shopping center in Santa Cruz. I had a walk with my husband and felt OK after a while, but I can’t forget the memory and I was afraid that if I came back these road it would happen again.
The thing is that we are almost there and I controlled it this time, it will never happen again here. Today I am not going to be afraid, I am not going to have a panic attack.
I just discovered another of my fears: When I am in a friends reunion and they are all over the place drinking and talking, you know. I am fine then, but when we all sit around the table is when the problem start. The first few minutes I feel totally claustrophobic, like if somebody was locking my way out. The thing is that when I lived with my parents (long time ago), sitting all around the table was a big risk. The risk was that in any minute the discussion will start, jelling, insulting and sometimes end it up in slaps. My sisters and I normally try to leave the table quickly before the situation got too dangerous. I was very afraid of the family reunions, always a big disaster, people screaming, other crying. Anyway…
